I don't even know how to start this, so I'm going to just start tying and hope that what I'm trying to explain will work itself out. So just humor me for now. It may or may not make any sense by the time the post is done.

I've discovered that there is a huge divide in the world. There are the people who are half full, and the people that are half empty. Duh, right? There have always been those people, everyone knows that. Some people are just positive, and some are negative. The shocking part, though, is that this mind set doesn't just affect how you feel; it changes how you interact with the world, and in turn determines almost your entire life.

You don't believe me? Think of the most unlucky person you know. The poor slob who has trouble keeping a job, keeping friends, keeping love partners, keeping their money. Now in turn, think of someone you consider extremely lucky, with a great life, great family, lots of friends, fantastic job. Got that?

Now ask yourself honestly which of those two people is the most positive. I bet the guy who is always down on his luck is constantly negative, griping about his life and generally unhappy. On the other hand, the guy with the great life is probably very positive, outgoing, happy-go-lucky and just fun to be around. I bet there are people who would complain that the happy guy is happy because his life is great, but you know what? If you're unhappy and negative, you're not going to be happy even with the best in life. If you're negative, you see badness in all things. But if you're positive, you know that it's vital to see joy in all that's around you.

I can honestly say that my family is mostly the negative type. And it finally occurs to me that that's why they've got such a string of bad luck. They're bound by their chains of hate and self-pity and can't find life's real joys.

I decided last night to never again be counted in the negative camp. My life is wonderful, and it can only get better from here. I'm not going to let negativity sap my energy and keep me from reaching my potentials.

It's late, and I'm tired. I really feel like I should be posting art stuff in this blog, but life is art, isn't it? When you live an observant, artistic lifestyle, isn't everything you do artistic?

That's my excuse, anyway.

Today I made a revelation. I was reading the blog of Cat's and mine, and about his happy new life with his happy new wife. I was envious of their life and the beauty and fun in it. It's true that we don't know each other well and all I know about them is what I see on facebook, read in emails and see on their blog, but it all looks so sparkling and wonderful.

Later on, Cat and I took a walk because it was so warm out. It was in the 50s! I barely needed a coat (but I wore one anyway). And, like so many times before, I turned to him and asked, "Are you happy with your life?"

"Yeah," he answered, "but you don't seem so sure lately."

That's true. I really focus on the negative and let the good stuff fall by the wayside. It's almost as if I'm secretly trying to sabotage my own life. Like I unconsciously want to fail. If I have a great day, and then one bad thing comes along, I instantly forget the good stuff and zoom in on the bad thing. Why do I do that? Am I the only one?

And I realized also that, when I look at other people's lives, I get envious and start comparing my life with how I perceive their life. I can only see the happiness they're showing the outside world, and I take that and compare it to the negativity that I'm holding onto. Of course my life is going to fail miserably in that comparison.

So when Cat said that tonight, I realized that I need to look at my life by itself. I need to appreciate and love all the good things in my life. The moment I compare my life to another person's, it loses all its specialness. Just live and love.

After that, my day got amazing. We had such fun rearranging the furniture for the Christmas tree, getting out the decorations, setting up the funny old artificial tree, playing DDR (well, Ok, I watched), reading together, having a great dinner, and laughing, snuggling and chatting in bed until bed time. I love my husband and my life.

There's nothing worse than a day where I just can't get myself to move. I mean, I bet I would be doing alright today if I could just get myself to get up and do something, but sadly, I can't. It's like I'm glued to the chair.

The one thing I did manage to do today is start a piece of art for someone's Christmas present. No dragons in this one. I'm pretty good at still lifes if I can get myself to do them, but generally, they're too tedious and a little boring for me. They' make me really nervous. I usually have to get up and pace around a little while working on them, but then again, I get that way with most of my art.

It's currently taped down on my drafting table, so I can't show my progress. And like I said before, I'm glued to the chair so I can't go take a picture of it. You'll just have to wait to see it.

So. Right.

...

So.

Just check out this link. It'll make you endlessly happy.

It seems to me that every time I look over my shoulder, the world gets a little stranger and harder to recognize. What's really hard for me to understand these days is technology and the amount of information that is being thrown around like penny candy at a fourth of July parade.

I'm only 25, for God sake, but I feel totally out of the loop when it comes to technology. I don't get Twitter. I mean, I understand the concept and I know how to use it (and try to a little), but I'm just not interested in all of the crap people are talking about. Don't we have enough on our own plates without being distracted by the chatter of millions of people with nothing better to do? The same goes for facebook and myspace. What's the deal?

Blogs I get and can understand for the most part. I've been blogging since 2000, back when LiveJournal was THE place to go. It's fun to just let loose and write, and some people are simply fascinating to read about. I'll admit that I stalked a couple of people back then, reading their blogs hoping that some of their coolness would rub off on me.

What I don't get is people who make blogging their job of choice. Give me a break. That's like trying to make a living off of competitive eating (and there are people who try that). Ok, alright, I know. Blogging is the new age media and I know it's great that there are people out there reporting the real stuff that the tv news people aren't talking about, but... I don't know. I guess there's a difference between living off your news reporting blog and living off your blog that describes your shopaholic lifestyle and all the things celebrities are doing this second. It feels... dishonorable.

I think what it all comes down to is the simple fact that my generation (and the youngsters below me, especially) have a huge ego thing going. We all have this streak of narcissism running through us that makes us believe that every little move we make is so important that the world is dying to know. Well, I think that's bull.

...says the girl writing in her blog.

I wonder what would happen if we stopped spending so much time on Twitter, Facebook, Myspace and all the others, trying to make ourselves look better in the eyes of people that are too blind by their own reflections, and we started reaching out to people who needed help. Imagine, just for a moment, if everyone in the world spent just half of that time volunteering instead. Or spending with friends and family face to face. I think we're slowly losing sight of the big picture and what's really important.

Which I think is what it comes down to for me. I could be more into Twitter. I could probably be having a blast over at Facebook. But I would rather be spending time doing things that mean something to me. I'd rather be cooking, or crocheting, drawing, spending time goofing off with my husband. I'd really rather spend that time daydreaming.

... This is the third time I've started this post. The other two times got destroyed in one way or another. I just don't understand what's wrong with me. It's like I'm trying to sabotage myself and my artistic pursuits. I don't know what to do with myself.

It's really too bad, too, because it was turning out to be a pretty good ramble about life and lost dreams. Why don't we see if we can recapture some of that, eh?

Life is a funny thing. When you're young, you're free to dream all you like because you have no life experience to stop you, and you haven't developed that nagging voice that tells you that you're not good enough or that you don't have it in you. I really wish, for just a few minutes, I had the same ambition I had when I was younger. I would keep my acquired skills, of course.

I found myself in the art supply isle at Michael's yesterday, staring at the large display of potential dreams. I used to be so giddy in that isle, and I knew that as soon as I got home with my new pencil, paper or marker, I'd be doing some new masterpiece. But yesterday, I just stared, feeling an emptiness inside myself that I've never felt before. I wished with all my heart that one of these shiny new things would cure all my problems, but I knew that it was futile. Nothing I would buy would solve any of my problems.

The problem is that I'm shutting off from my emotions. I numb myself with hours of house work, followed by mindless gaming and reading silly, meaningless crap on the internet. I'm no longer in touch with the person that I know I am. I'm an emotional, deeply feeling person! I cry at the drop of a hat, both in sadness and joy. My heart is perpetually on my sleeve, and I feel badly for hours after I miss a chance to help someone out.

Where have I put this person? Why am I denying my feelings? What's wrong with being open and free with oneself?

I feel constrained with my art and writing. I write this blog as if someone is going to read it. That sounds ridiculous, because that's what a blog is about, but people act differently when they know someone is watching. I try to write about things that I think you'll be interested in, but you know what? That just makes it harder for me to write, and of course I end up just abandoning it altogether. So screw that.

I'm the same with my art. Every singe piece of art that I've done in the last two or three years has been taken to a final version. Do you understand what I'm saying? I never sketch, never doodle or goof around. I never experiment or draft or draw simply for the pleasure of it. I feel as though I'm being more professional, but in truth all I'm doing is driving my muse away. And it's already very fragile as it is.

What am I doing?

So to heck with the crowd. I'm done trying to please people that don't pay attention anyway. From now on I'm just doing this for me.

So you remember that snow I was talking about yesterday? Well, it started around 10 in the morning, and I don't believe it ever stopped. It's still snowing now, honestly.



There's Cat in his little bug, going off to work.

Anyway, it's sickening as well as good all rolled up together. I hate that we're getting loads of snow in the middle of OCTOBER, but on the other hand, snow has always made me feel very peaceful and calm, so I can't get too angry.

I'm still sick today though, so that's all.

Look out your window. If you're far enough north, it may be snowing. It's snowing here today, and I'm shocked and awed. And mildly delighted, but don't tell anyone.

I'm feeling sickly today though, so that's all you get for a blog post.

So. I'm writing in my paper journal almost daily, and here I am, letting my blog get covered with dust.

To be honest, I'm writing about little, boring daily things in my paper journal. I never feel like I have anything interesting to say on my blog. My Official Blog. For the Whole World to See. That's a little more intimidating than a journal that might get read out loud to Cat when something clever is written.

But on the other hand, there are tons of blogs out there with nothing of much interest on them that still get read every day buy hundreds of people. Does that blow your mind? Maybe it has something to do with the way they're written rather than the actual content. Some people just have an awesome ability to tell a story, after all.

But anyway, today I clean. I've realized that, somewhere along the way, I became allergic to cats. Which is a shame, since I love and live with two cats and probably always will. So now I have to religiously vacuum every inch of our house in order to be in full, nonsniffly health.

Which would be easier if I had an attention span longer than two minutes.

Leaves are a mysterious and beautiful lesson on life. You don't believe me? Perhaps you should pay a little more attention.

Leaves start their lives as bright, supple, perfect creations of nature. They have no flaws to be seen; they're a lovely reminder of God's talents. A new leaf is like a little gem of happiness, a gift from our Sacred Mother to show us that all life is precious.

But as the summer wears on, the leaves become hardened. They lose that brightness that made them so special. They're no longer soft and smooth to the touch. Also, by then, little critters have begun chewing on them, fungi take hold of them, and dust hangs around them like a cloak. But they're hard working leaves, taking in all the sunlight that the mighty tree needs to survive, and so I'm sure they're happy.

Summer fades into fall, and the leaves become their most beautiful. It's not just that the leaves turn colors and become lovely; the truth is that the colors were there all along, but the green chlorophyll of youth was masking the deep and stunning gem tones of the leaves' final days. And how amazing it is to finally have those secrets revealed, even though the leaf itself is chewed on, leathery and torn. In those moments we see that its the shades of the heart that matter instead of the shape of the body.

Isn't it funny how much the life of a leave mirrors our own. A lot of things like that can teach us important lessons about life if we just pay attention. I realized recently that I haven't been paying much attention lately, and it made me pretty sad.

I have a very healthy crop of green tomatoes this year. We're probably going to be eating green fried tomatoes until the first frost. It's just a shame that I don't like them.

But I can't complain, really. No one had a very good crop this year, except for the neighbor across the street with a dozen tomato plants hanging with red ripe tomatoes. I don't know how he does it!! He must be hiding huge plant lights behind his bushes. Or maybe he's got mirrors and magnifying glasses on his roof.

Even the local Amish are complaining about the very bad growing season this year. And when they complain, you'd better listen. It makes me wonder if we've got a hard, nasty winter headed our way, or if the price of certain foods will go up. I don't think everyone had such a crappy summer, though, so it's probably just local food that suffered.

I'm not too disappointed, though. Even though I only got one squash, one cucumber (so far), two tomatoes, and a couple of small peppers still ripening, I gained a ton of experience. Next year, my garden's really going to flourish because I already know what I need to do and when. Like next year, I won't get antsy and plant my seeds inside in FEBRUARY. I think I'll wait until, say, April or May, when I was supposed to. Goodness. That means I've been watching over those plants for almost nine months. No wonder I feel so close to them. They're like my children!

In a way, actually, I'm glad that fall is here. It means that I can stop hovering over the plants and let them go back to the earth. Give the poor things a rest.

Oh yeah, and yesterday was my birthday. Happy birthday to me! I turned 25, and it struck me how old I suddenly feel. 25 was always the mark in my mind, kind of the dividing line between Young and No Longer Young (which is different from Old). I still feel like me, but something tells me that I shouldn't feel like a kid anymore. I'm friggin' 25! Sigh. Time flies when you're not trying to enjoy every minute.

Ahh, September! My favorite month. The days are shorter, the air a little crisper, and things start to settle down a little bit. And wouldn't you know it; it's been raining all summer long, practically, and the very first day of September is GORGEOUS! Bright, warm(ish) and peaceful. What a day. What a month!

Of course, another reason I love September so much is because it's the month of my birth, my husband's birth, and our glorious anniversary! We'll have reached two years on the 22nd. I'm surprised it's been that long, honestly. I feel like I'm still a newlywed. Lord knows we act like it. I'm sure we make lots of people sick with how sweet we are

So now that summer has passed (at least in my mind), I'm ready to settle down and start working on my blog and Etsy again. I said I might share with you all why I went away, but I think I'm going to keep it to myself. But it was business related, and it was a tough decision. I got some good advice, though, and know which course I'm going to take. I'm excited about getting back to work and my normal life!

But I should go. I've got some Swedish rye bread in the oven and it's starting to smell done. Mm!

I'm not dead, and I'm not dropping out of the scene again. I'm just taking a break from Etsy and my blog for a while to figure something out that's rather important. When I make up my mind about things, I'll be back and maybe I'll even explain. <3

Weren't you supposed to warn us before the flood came? Man, God's gonna be mad at you.

So yeah. Rain. I swear that we have gotten more rain in the last two weeks than we have all summer, and I'm not exaggerating. It's so wet in our back yard that, when I walk across it, I leave foot prints. The grass is turning brown because it's drowning. My onions are under two inches of water. Oh yeah, and our basement is starting to look like a swamp (thankfully there's a drain down there just for that reason, unlike a couple of our neighbors). I'm sick and tired of this rain, and I really wish it would go where it's needed. Surely there's a drought somewhere that it could be spilling itself over instead of here.

I got an email last night from someone having a get-together. They said that the main road to their house is flooded, so you'll have to take the back way.

So as you can guess, I'm ready for some hot dry weather. Bring on the dog days of summer! Before I strangle someone out of sheer frustration!

Ahhh, summer. I think, anyway. Here it is, August, and we don't even need the fans out. I'm wearing pants. And long sleeves! As a matter of fact, I haven't felt the heat of summer but once or twice this season, maybe three times, and summer is almost over. But then, scientists have said that it has actually been COOLING for the last ten years, rather than warming. And I believe it. I remember the summers as a kid, and man, were they HOT! Not like the mild stuff we've gotten lately.

Anyway, after three long years of trying, and lots of tricks and sneaky techniques (but all organic and nontoxic!), my garden is finally flourishing! I finally got rid of the slugs, Japanese beetles and leaf hoppers, and will be able to enjoy summer's bounty. If it ripens before the first frost, that is.