Ok, this Ebay addiction has got to stop. It's one thing to want to stock up on supplies for a new hobby, but a totally different thing to make it your pastime to find great deals on said stuff! It would be different if I were planning on reselling this stuff once I got it; then I could just say I was doing my job. Although, honestly, I have thought about selling off part of what I buy, because, I mean... what am I going to do with 400 gold leaf bead caps? I could probably use half of that if I tried. But if I sold some of it cheap, I would be giving the buyers a deal and making up for spending like a maniac.

So no more Ebay. No more searching Etsy for supplies, either. And unless I start selling my earrings, I'm never buying anything earring related again.

I finally remember why I decided to stop working on Etsy so much last year. After a couple of months of crocheting and spending a lot of time online, my wrists were almost to the point of no return. And after just a couple of weeks this time around, I'm already starting to feel the burn.

I don't really understand this. I mean, I have my suspicions. I feel like doing the same repeated motions all the time (for instance, my left arm seems to always be in the same position, no matter what I'm doing) is what the real problem here is, and if I could just find a different way to do things, or perhaps spend more time doing activities that put my arms and hands in a different position, I would greatly improve. But I don't know what to do or how to do it. A also feel like building up the muscles in my arms and shoulders would be a great help, similar to the way strengthening your back helps with back pain. Lord knows I have noodle arms.

I really wish I could go to a doctor and get some advice. There are two problems there, though. The first being that we have no insurance and not much disposable income, and the second being that a normal doctor will probably try to give me a pain pill or have me do surgery rather than help me fix my habits and stop the problem at its root. I hate covering up symptoms. Why bother fixing my wrists if I'm just going to go and ruin them again? I'm really afraid for myself, because it seems like the problem is more persistent these days. I can't play on my computer long before my hands and arms start to hurt. Am I doing permanent damage?

But there are my fears for the day, and now that they're out of my system, I'm off to be lazy a while.

Chicken Scratch

I've been in this huge bead kick for maybe a week or two now. I'm not sure what spurred it on, but all of a sudden I had this huge urge to create earrings. They're simple, easy to make, beautiful, and I could easily sell them super cheap and still make a profit. The first thing I did was to scrounge up all the beads I had collected since I was like 12. I had thousands of beads! But unfortunately, most of them were pretty gaudy and, you know, the kind of thing a 12-year-old would wear.

After attacking Walmant and Joann's and not finding too much in either of those places, I took my searching online. I was thrilled by the variety, but disappointed by the prices. You want how much for what??!!? I thought, "Ok, this is silly. Let's check Ebay."

I was hoping that I'd find some chick who got into beading and decided she didn't like doing it and was selling off her stash of beads, right? That's what Ebay's about, isn't it? Well, I had a huge surprise in for me once I got there. I mean, I found a couple of estate sales with huge lots of beads, but they were still freakin' expensive. But everywhere I looked, I found things that were really unexpected.

Take, for instance, this auction. In case it's no longer there when you go to look, it's an auction for 400 gold plated 3-leaf bead caps, a very popular style. Ok, so that's not so surprising, right? It's a large amount, certainly, but nothing to go crazy over. Until you realize that the winner, a very beautiful woman with great taste, only paid $1.29 for them. Oh, and did I forget to mention that they came with free shipping?

400 at $1.29 means that each bead cap is less than half a penny each. $0.003225 to be exact. What's wrong with this picture? Considering I just bought the EXACT SAME ITEM in silver plated version at Michael's this weekend for $3 FOR 25!!! Ok, so I can understand that! I honestly can! Big stores like that have huge overhead, not to mention they're just buying the item from a company who bought them from the guys in China who made them.

But when did Ebay become a place for cheapskate Americans to buy cheap wares from Chinese manufacturers? What happened to the little old ladies selling off the junk from their attics, or the guy who bought a bunch of crap from a yard sale and wants to get a bit of a profit? I won't deny that finding such huge deals is kind of thrilling, but it also leaves me feeling dirty.

More disturbing is the thought that we Americans no longer manufacture anything anymore. I mean, we make a few things here and there, but even those things usually stay in this country. Do we export anything? How do we make money? All we're doing is consuming from other countries. Eventually, we're going to collapse from the huge amounts of crap and dept we've collected.

Until then, I'll be surfing Ebay to see what else I can find.

(This space intentionally left blank. I don't think any Etsy sellers want to be connected with this post.)

I have this weird fascination with anything big or extra small. Any time I see something that's super tiny (like doll houses), I just have to squeal with delight and finger the delicate little item. Likewise, I'm not sure why, but I really love things that are abnormally huge. I'm thinking it's because it makes me feel small in comparison.

This might explain why, as a heavy-set 5'8" girl, I always wanted to marry a super tall guy. Luckily that worked out in my favor.

So within the last week, I've seen and taken pictures of two very large things. I don't know about you, but they really make me smile.

Ok, so this first picture is of a HUGE oak tree. It just so happens that we live like 15 minutes away from Pennsylvania's largest recorded oak tree, and it is indeed a very big tree! Ok, so oaks don't grow as large as some trees, but it was still big. It would take four very long armed people (or five normal people) to wrap their arms around this guy. The cool thing about the tree is that it's right in the middle of an old cemetery, out in the middle of nowhere. I would have never known it was there if one of the locals hadn't said something about it.



The next picture is a rather blush-inducing banana. Call me crazy, but when I saw this bunch of huge, thick, long bananas in the store, I had to buy them. They were hilarious looking! They were all really long, but one in particular was especially big. So before it got eaten (which had to be soon, because it was so big that it fell off its stem), I took a picture of it next to a ruler. 10 or 11 inches might not seem big unless you know that a normal banana is about 6 or 7 inches.



I wish I had taken a picture of it in someone's hands. It's hard to tell that it's a monster in that picture. Chad ended up eating it, which is a good thing because I don't think I would have been able to.

Ok, so in other news, I want to start posting a link to an awesome Etsy shop every time I post, at the bottom of my entry. I think it's a fun idea, and plus it helps me connect with other Etsians. I have trouble doing that, and I thought this might help.


Valerie's Sparkles by Design

Blah. Life is funny, in its unpredictable, twisty ways. One minute you're deliriously happy, and the next you're feeling like something scraped off the bottom of someone's shoe. I'm feeling like the shoe thing at the moment, and the worst part is that I don't really know what to do about it.

Usually when I'm feeling like this, I don't know the real cause of it. I blame this or that, never really knowing why I'm feeling so down, until my short attention span makes me forget that I'm even down. Well, this time I've been depressed for so long that I think I've finally figured it out.

My life isn't going anywhere. I'm stuck in a rut of uncertainties and fears. I'm so afraid to move forward because I don't know where any of these paths will lead me. I'm afraid to move because I may fail. I may lose everything I've got. I may make a fool of myself. I may just prove to myself that I'm not good enough to be successful.

I'm so bored with my life right now. I can't keep myself busy enough with the domestic stuff anymore (or, actually, I probably could if I could get myself to focus on it), and I just don't want to work on my art because I know I've come to the point where I need to do the real work. Real work that I don't know how to do. Getting a real job when you're in a traditional profession is pretty straight forward. Finish school, apply to jobs, interview, kiss butt, then retire. No one ever tells you how you're supposed to do it when you're a self taught artist, and I can't take it anymore.

I'm to the point where I'm ready to offer my services to anyone who wants them for a cheap price. I've never liked treating my art like a cheap whore, but it's been the only way that I can really get people to buy it. Picture for a penny? My soul for a buck? Sure, why not!

It's always been my dream to go to school, to sharpen my talents, get experience and connections, and learn the secrets of the trade. But I can't afford it, and I'm scared to death to get a loan. Art schools are horrendously expensive and there's no guarantee that I'll walk away with anything other than a piece of paper and the exact same problem I have now. Maybe business management or some sort of sales course would be the better way to go. At least that way I would get some useful tips on how to go about the business part of things.

What I really feel like I need is someone to deal with the nitty gritty part of things. Like an agent or something along those lines. The problem is that I don't feel like I'm experienced enough for any agent to take me on. You usually have to have a couple of books, magazines, and/or awards under your belt before anyone looks at you twice. Maybe I should make that my goal. Get in a couple of magazines and get an award or two, and then contact an agent.

It's terrible, but I feel like my art is some delicate flower that needs to be pampered to. If I'm constantly worried about the business, I can't create. So I need people around to take care of me in that way... My experiences with running things have showed me that it's true that some people are better in the spot light, and there are those who would much rather be in the background making sure everything's working properly.

But speaking of awards, I'd forgotten that I do have one under my belt. Not a fantastic award; 2nd place in one of the Pixel Joint challenges. I wonder if I can claim that? I mean, those challenges are really fantastically hard, and I really do deserve some recognition. On the other hand, the piece that won the award is kind of illegal. I totally copied a scene from the Labyrinth. Of course, that WAS the point of the contest, too. To pixel a scene from a movie. Sooo... I'll have to ask around about that one.

Oh, but with luck, I should have a new award coming my way soon. I entered another PJ contest last week, and I'm really proud of how that turned out. I'm lazy at the moment, so I'll post the picture later. It won't be until next Monday before I know if I won or not though.

Anyway, I am feeling better after spewing all of that. I tend to get like that. I need to get stuff off my chest before I can start looking at the bright side of things. See the silver lining, and so on. I think I'll follow my own advice and try to get some things into a magazine, then find an agent. Or maybe I'll brainstorm on other ways to go about this stuff. Either way, I know I need to do something with myself. If I don't, something really terrible's going to happen to me. Either I'll turn into someone I don't want to be, or I'll simply wither away.

I've decided that I'm just plain weird. And not just the normal flavor of weird, either, but really truly weird, and that's the reason I can't break into the business of selling my art/crafts.

The problem I have, that I just recently found out, is that I enjoy the thrill of the chase way more than whatever it is I'm chasing. It's so romantic, for instance, to say that I'm an aspiring artist and that I'm trying to break into the world of art. Or that I'm struggling to get my craft business off the ground.

And how did I find out that I have this problem? Well, last weekend, after selling five items in my Etsy shop in four days, I caught myself thinking, "Wow, I'm doing really well. I should stop." WHAT??!!? What the...??!!? WHY AM I STABBING MYSELF IN THE BACK?! ........

I just don't know. It's almost as if I'm addicted to the drama of starting something new. The work of actually keeping a business running is so boring and, frankly, hard for me to do. I can't focus on it at all. I'll get a sale and be like, "YEAH! ...time to play video games for three days and forget to send the package!" which is not a good way to get more sales, let me tell you.

But I think I'm improving. It makes me cocky when I get a spurt of sales all at once, and then I start panicking after that if I don't get any sales right away. Which in turns makes me feel like a failure, and I work less on the shop than I should. Oh, this is so difficult.

What I would do for someone to compete with right now! That always makes me try harder!

So. I bet a lot of you artist types that read my blog are getting pretty upset with all the crafty stuff I've been doing. I know, I know. My mind wanders all over the place, and you can never be sure what I'll get into next.

Well, I'm going to make you a little more angry with this post.

I've been thinking a while about Swiffer mops. I don't use a Swiffer, but rather a Clorox readymop (because I have some weird prejudice in their favor), but nevertheless, I've been wondering; is there a better way of doing things? I mean, Swiffer and Clorox offer those expensive little mop pads that already have the chemicals in them and you can throw away once you're done, but is that the best way to go?

Honestly, since I've been using a readymop, I've been using old rags in place of the store-bought pads. And the rags work. I mean, they do about as well a job as the store-bought kind do, but then how much can a thin little piece of stuff do on a large kitchen floor? Well, let me tell you, not as much as you might think.

I decided to make up some crocheted mop pads for my readymop (which fits most standard Swiffer mops; I did my homework), and then tried them out. Holy monkeys, was I surprised! Not only is it ten times better at picking up hair and lint than my expensive hardwood floor microfiber cleaner thingy, but it also is a much more absorbent mop head. And it's heavily textured, so it gets a lot more dirt and scrubs away those stains without needing as much elbow grease. Here's some pictures I got of it:




And if you don't have a Swiffer or a readymop, you can always use it to decorate your cats:



And not only that, but it's currently for sale! And with a special introductory price, too.

There's a reason they tell you to fill the jars within a 1/4th inch of the top when you're canning. If you fill them to the very top, and your contents weren't hot when you put them into the jars... well, let's just say that it's explosively fun.

I was processing some apples that I wanted to preserve. Like canned peaches, only apples. Well, Cat and I had so much fun packing the apples into the jars that I think we got too vigorous and forgot our brains somewhere. We packed the jars so tightly that we had to push on the lids to get the contents to stay in.

And then you process (or boil) for 8 minutes.

When they come out, the lids should be kind of sucked downward in a bowl shape. That's when you know that they're sealed, and that you should have no problem with air getting in. Well... when I pulled these jars out, the lids were push way out, like a ball rather than a bowl. That didn't look too happy, but I decided to let them cool a little to see if they'd go down.

No luck. Then I got a little smarter and decided to let the pressure off and reprocess them. That was kind of dumb right there. Two of them sprayed sticky sweet apple juice across the kitchen, and the third one just kind of gurgled at me.

So I've learned a pretty valuable lesson. This is what I get for not buying a canning book.

Cat and I took a trip to Erie the other day, to pick up his car after getting it fixed. After we got the car back, we headed over to Michael's so I could get some hard to find art crap (in particular, my lovely new masking fluid and organic cotton yarn), and then over to Borders.

I read PostSecret faithfully. I love how open people are when they get the chance to be anonymous, and I've loved the stories of people leaving their secrets in the PostSecret books in stores and libraries across the country. So I decided it was time to see if I could find any secrets.

I got into Borders and instantly wondered where on earth the books would be. A quick check on the computer told me they were in Art and Architecture. Which was worth at least a small laugh. I got over to the little section and got rid of Cat so I could start my search.

The first book I looked in contained this secret:

"My exboyfriend said I never told him anything. I bought the postsecret book, wrote down every secret I ever had on the pages, and sent him the book. I hope he takes me back."

I felt like I was looking at something sacred. It was almost like hearing someone's prayers and secret hopes. On the one hand I wanted to keep it because it was special and beautiful, but on the other hand I didn't feel like I had the right to. I set the secret aside and continued to look.

I went a couple more books deep and found this one:

"Sometimes I sit and wonder, why do they love me when I'm so horrible to them."

Again, I felt a little ashamed at looking at this piece of crinkled paper. I never had any problems reading the secrets on the website. But the physical papers, the torn edges and messy writing, made me realize that these are actual people leaving these notes.

I looked through a lot of the rest of the books until I dropped one rather noisily, and a few minutes later a lady came and sat down in the chair in my section. I was sure she was there to make sure I wasn't molesting the books. I didn't find any more secrets, but I was happy that I had found the ones I had, and took them off to the computer geek section where I knew I'd find Cat.

I sat down at one of the tables and demanded that he hand over his pen. I then wrote down a response to each secret, snuck back up to the Art and Architecture section, and put the secrets back where I found them. My responses?

"Even if he doesn't take you back, I hope you've learned to love yourself for who you are."

"Maybe they know how special and wonderful you are under there."

So I've been taking a nice long unofficial hiatus lately. I left because I felt alone and like my efforts were totally worthless, and instead went off to play with my old pals from the cyberpet community. And although I've gotten a lot of commissions lately, I've remembered now why I broke out and went off on my own.

My cyberpet community is a safe place for me, I've realized. It's a place of friendly people that I've known for years. I love the atmosphere and I love, most of all, that people love me. In that community, my art is fantastic, and that's a huge thrill to me. I want to be recognized and praised for all of my hard work, and it's so easy with them. They're all generally young and less experienced that I am, so it's almost a given that I'm going to be seen as good. And the community as a whole is only a few hundred people wide, and my own personal forum only has about 25 active people on it, so it's not like I have much competition anyway.

But that's the problem, I think. I have nothing to push me forward, nothing to really challenge me. Before, when I was working on my blog and my art over at DeviantArt, I felt like I had a lot still to learn (which I do!), but with the cyberpet people, I feel pretty good with the skills I have now and I don't see any reason to advance. And somewhere inside of me, I know that's wrong.

I don't want to give up my community, though. My forum feels like my family, and now that I have my girls back, I don't want to let them all down again. Besides, they're great inspirations to me, and help me feel like I'm not such a failure. But I know that I need to deviate from them a little and start working on my art career again. I need to focus on improving my art and getting it out there for others to buy! That's my dream, and I can't let that go now. I'm still full of potential and I'm ready to show the world that I have a lot to offer.

And in other news, I finally opened my Etsy shop. I was a little whimsical, as usual, and named it Mother Nature's Child. I was inspired by Paul McCartney's "Mother Nature's Son", which is a really sweet song. I also named it that in part because I plan on selling some of my crafts that take the place of disposable everyday items, like makeup pads, shopping bags, vegetable bags, swiffer-style mop pads, as well as pot scrubbies that don't fall apart with two uses and dish cloths. I'm excited. Now I just need to get some good photos of all those things so I can start selling them.

But yeah. My hiatus is over, and I've learned a valuable lesson.

So my father-in-law's birthday usually coincides with father's day, and his family would always celebrate the two together. This year, I decided to make a cake for him. Unfortunately, I had totally forgotten that I was going to do that. So a few hours before we were supposed to meet them for dinner, I looked at the clock and cried, "Oh no! I was supposed to make a cake today!!" and Cat and I zip off to the store.

Now usually, when it's someone's birthday, I make sure to go to the trouble of making a homemade cake (because they're better) with buttercream frosting. But since I was short on time, I decided that, since it was going to be a store bought cake, the least I could do was make it interesting. We grabbed a lemon cake and some cherry frosting and zipped back home so I could make it.

The girliness started with the tradition I have of making birthday cakes in my heart pans. That way the person knows I love them, right? Well, it just got worse from there. Predictably, the cherry frosting was pink. I bought some cream cheese frosting to use as a crumb frosting and then put the cherry on top, and I had used all the white cream cheese frosting up. That meant that the only color really left to decorate was the pink cherry frosting, and that I would have to color it so it would be seen. Well...... to make it look good, I had to make it a darker pink.

And while I was at it, I decided that I may as well make it as girly as possible. If it's going to be pink and heart shaped, it may as well have flowers and stars, too.

I'm celebrating freedom on multiple levels today. First, and probably most importantly, I'm finally free of my job. Sunday is my last day, and I'm just so excited. No more mindless, stupid, customer sucking up to. Yay! Also, Cat, my wonderful husband, is zipping off to distant lands. Ok, so really, he's on a camping trip with the scouts for the weekend. But it's good. I like to know he's indulging in mother nature and male bonding stuff now and again. It's good for him. Plus, it leaves the house completely to me!

But honestly, I'm a little lonely, thinking about spending the weekend alone. Usually I'm pretty happy about having the house to myself, so I'm not sure what's up this time. I think I'm just not used to having this much time alone. What, with being a stay-at-home-wife and all, I've been alone most of the week. So it'll be an adjustment. Some time to really get things done.

First on the list; clean this pig sty. I don't know how it happened, or even exactly when, but our house turned into a trash dump and I feel totally overwhelmed at the thought of cleaning it before Cat's mom and brother come to visit tomorrow. Time to sweep things under the rug.

On a totally different note, I wanted to mention that being a housewife has given me a lot more time for contemplation and silent meditation than I was getting before, and that I am thoroughly pleased. I had always been a dreamer, but going to work and coming home to work some more just seemed to kill all those dreams. But they're back, and I suddenly realize that I had missed them. It makes me wonder why people think being dreamy and having ones heads in the clouds is such a bad thing. Do you suppose it's because they themselves don't have the time to stop and ponder the world?

Ah well. I have big plans. Big plans! I just don't have the strength to talk about them tonight. Another day!

I decided to quit my day job. Ok, so technically I made that decision about a month ago, shortly after Cat got his new job. Really, I don't need to work. The money is good, but he'll be making more than what we were both making, plus a healthy 15-20 percent. And, bleh... I honestly wanted to leave because my boss kept adding on hours and responsibilities and taking away my back up little by little, so that just a couple weeks ago, I was working ten hours more than I wanted to with no one there helping me. So if I had to leave the counter to, I don't know, go to the bathroom, I had to ask a manager because there was no one else there.

Initially, I wanted to stay and work in the office. I took over for the office girl a time while she went off and had a baby, and I found out that I really enjoyed that sort of work. Up in the office, with the quiet hum of the computers and the occasional loud blaring of 80s rock coming from the owner's office, I could really let my mind wander. It was so peaceful, and I really felt, for the first time, like I was doing something that was important and worthwhile. So when, after the regular office girl came back for a month and then decided to leave for good (I mean, she had a new baby to take care of; wouldn't most sensible people?), I thought, "Ah! Here's my chance!" and I pounced.

Unfortunately, they didn't like the idea of me leaving the cash registers because, for some reason, they think I'm good at it. Never mind the fact that I don't like people. So I stuck to my guns and said, "Alright, then I'm leaving. " Then about three weeks later, as the boss started dwindling down my hours, the office manager tells me that, you know, I could work two days a week doing the paper work if I really wanted to.

Funny. Isn't that what I asked for in the first place?

I went home that night and talked to Cat about it. I was excited, actually. I wanted to do that. Six hours a week, spent in the office, keeping my hands busy while eavesdropping on all the juicy gossip. Cat totally disagreed, however, thinking that if I had those six hours, who's to say that my boss wouldn't slowly start adding more time and more responsibilities, until I found myself right back where I started?

I agreed with him. I didn't think that was how it would turn out, but I trusted his judgment, knowing that he's a sensible guy and that I get excited about things and tend to skim over the totally obvious stuff.

So just this afternoon, as I'm sitting on the couch contemplating the finer points of left overs and wondering whether or not I should take a long, steamy bubblebath with a book, I get a phone call. I look at the caller ID and get the urge to let the answering machine pick it up. But I'm too nice to ignore a call when I know who it is, and so I bite.

"Hello, Julie?" the caller asks. Will I work Wednesday? There's paperwork and a big shipment, and the office manager isn't there. Yeah, ten to four. Or nine to five. Yeah, I was going to just talk to you tomorrow, but I thought I'd pounce on you now, while you're least expecting it. Yes, I know you're a softy; I use it to my advantage.

And it dawns on me; I'm dumb.

I sat there for a good fifteen minutes, being angry at myself for being so weak, so easy. Why do I always say yes when what I really mean is HELL NO? I tell myself it's because I'm nice, that I just don't like to say no, but the truth is much simpler than that. I'm dumb. I'm so stupid that I don't realize that these people know exactly how I am, and that they're using my weak spine to get what they want out of me.

It's amazing. I got to spend almost a week at home, with my cats and my art and my mop, and I felt wonderful. I haven't had that much time home in so long that I can't even remember. And now that I know that my boss isn't likely to ever let me go, I feel like a cardboard box left out in the rain. I'm supposed to be done working at the end of this month, but the sad truth is that he won't give me a solid date.

Maybe God is trying to teach me something. How am I supposed to be a business person, selling my art, when I can't even convince my boss to let me leave my job?

Long time, eh? Well, if you don't already know how I can be, this is a good time to learn. The only way I can explain it is by saying that I have a short attention span.

So what brings me here, all of a sudden? Besides the fact that Cat finished working on the layout and is now harassing me because I haven't worked on the blog? Well... I've got a cold today, and that means that I have nothing else to do. Otherwise I'd be cleaning and generally too busy to do anything that I enjoy. Being an adult really isn't any fun.

Really I just wanted everyone to know that I'm still alive. I lived through both the wedding and Christmas, and hopefully soon I'll start working on my online stuff. Most interestingly, I plan on expanding my knowledge of art and how we perceive the world, and I want to share what I learn and the questions I have with the world. It'll be an interesting journey.

But for now, I've been keeping myself fairly busy with a strange and random project. I decided that I would read through the bible. I have three colors of highlighters. When I find something that contradicts with either other parts of the bible or the church teachings, I'm highlighting it in orange. When I find something that I feel is a good lesson for anyone of any religion, or I find something that relates to my religion (wicca), I mark it in yellow. And when I find something that offends me as a woman, I mark it in pink. So far, I've got mostly orange, but I hope that'll change to yellow soon. I think the bible has a lot of interesting things to teach, but to tell you the truth, I'm more interested in finishing it so I can move on to the books that were either removed or not included in the bible. Those interest me more than the book itself. But then, I've always liked a good mystery.

So anyway, now you know I'm alive, mostly, and that I plan on being around sometime. I think I'll go back to the couch and vegetate for the rest of the day.

I've decided that, with a wedding less than three months away, perhaps right now is the wrong time to work on this blog and my budding artist career. I will return after October and try this again, so don't miss me too much.