6:08 PM on Wednesday, July 8. 2009
Darkness
Blah. Life is funny, in its unpredictable, twisty ways. One minute you're deliriously happy, and the next you're feeling like something scraped off the bottom of someone's shoe. I'm feeling like the shoe thing at the moment, and the worst part is that I don't really know what to do about it.
Usually when I'm feeling like this, I don't know the real cause of it. I blame this or that, never really knowing why I'm feeling so down, until my short attention span makes me forget that I'm even down. Well, this time I've been depressed for so long that I think I've finally figured it out.
My life isn't going anywhere. I'm stuck in a rut of uncertainties and fears. I'm so afraid to move forward because I don't know where any of these paths will lead me. I'm afraid to move because I may fail. I may lose everything I've got. I may make a fool of myself. I may just prove to myself that I'm not good enough to be successful.
I'm so bored with my life right now. I can't keep myself busy enough with the domestic stuff anymore (or, actually, I probably could if I could get myself to focus on it), and I just don't want to work on my art because I know I've come to the point where I need to do the real work. Real work that I don't know how to do. Getting a real job when you're in a traditional profession is pretty straight forward. Finish school, apply to jobs, interview, kiss butt, then retire. No one ever tells you how you're supposed to do it when you're a self taught artist, and I can't take it anymore.
I'm to the point where I'm ready to offer my services to anyone who wants them for a cheap price. I've never liked treating my art like a cheap whore, but it's been the only way that I can really get people to buy it. Picture for a penny? My soul for a buck? Sure, why not!
It's always been my dream to go to school, to sharpen my talents, get experience and connections, and learn the secrets of the trade. But I can't afford it, and I'm scared to death to get a loan. Art schools are horrendously expensive and there's no guarantee that I'll walk away with anything other than a piece of paper and the exact same problem I have now. Maybe business management or some sort of sales course would be the better way to go. At least that way I would get some useful tips on how to go about the business part of things.
What I really feel like I need is someone to deal with the nitty gritty part of things. Like an agent or something along those lines. The problem is that I don't feel like I'm experienced enough for any agent to take me on. You usually have to have a couple of books, magazines, and/or awards under your belt before anyone looks at you twice. Maybe I should make that my goal. Get in a couple of magazines and get an award or two, and then contact an agent.
It's terrible, but I feel like my art is some delicate flower that needs to be pampered to. If I'm constantly worried about the business, I can't create. So I need people around to take care of me in that way... My experiences with running things have showed me that it's true that some people are better in the spot light, and there are those who would much rather be in the background making sure everything's working properly.
But speaking of awards, I'd forgotten that I do have one under my belt. Not a fantastic award; 2nd place in one of the Pixel Joint challenges. I wonder if I can claim that? I mean, those challenges are really fantastically hard, and I really do deserve some recognition. On the other hand, the piece that won the award is kind of illegal. I totally copied a scene from the Labyrinth. Of course, that WAS the point of the contest, too. To pixel a scene from a movie. Sooo... I'll have to ask around about that one.
Oh, but with luck, I should have a new award coming my way soon. I entered another PJ contest last week, and I'm really proud of how that turned out. I'm lazy at the moment, so I'll post the picture later. It won't be until next Monday before I know if I won or not though.
Anyway, I am feeling better after spewing all of that. I tend to get like that. I need to get stuff off my chest before I can start looking at the bright side of things. See the silver lining, and so on. I think I'll follow my own advice and try to get some things into a magazine, then find an agent. Or maybe I'll brainstorm on other ways to go about this stuff. Either way, I know I need to do something with myself. If I don't, something really terrible's going to happen to me. Either I'll turn into someone I don't want to be, or I'll simply wither away.
Usually when I'm feeling like this, I don't know the real cause of it. I blame this or that, never really knowing why I'm feeling so down, until my short attention span makes me forget that I'm even down. Well, this time I've been depressed for so long that I think I've finally figured it out.
My life isn't going anywhere. I'm stuck in a rut of uncertainties and fears. I'm so afraid to move forward because I don't know where any of these paths will lead me. I'm afraid to move because I may fail. I may lose everything I've got. I may make a fool of myself. I may just prove to myself that I'm not good enough to be successful.
I'm so bored with my life right now. I can't keep myself busy enough with the domestic stuff anymore (or, actually, I probably could if I could get myself to focus on it), and I just don't want to work on my art because I know I've come to the point where I need to do the real work. Real work that I don't know how to do. Getting a real job when you're in a traditional profession is pretty straight forward. Finish school, apply to jobs, interview, kiss butt, then retire. No one ever tells you how you're supposed to do it when you're a self taught artist, and I can't take it anymore.
I'm to the point where I'm ready to offer my services to anyone who wants them for a cheap price. I've never liked treating my art like a cheap whore, but it's been the only way that I can really get people to buy it. Picture for a penny? My soul for a buck? Sure, why not!
It's always been my dream to go to school, to sharpen my talents, get experience and connections, and learn the secrets of the trade. But I can't afford it, and I'm scared to death to get a loan. Art schools are horrendously expensive and there's no guarantee that I'll walk away with anything other than a piece of paper and the exact same problem I have now. Maybe business management or some sort of sales course would be the better way to go. At least that way I would get some useful tips on how to go about the business part of things.
What I really feel like I need is someone to deal with the nitty gritty part of things. Like an agent or something along those lines. The problem is that I don't feel like I'm experienced enough for any agent to take me on. You usually have to have a couple of books, magazines, and/or awards under your belt before anyone looks at you twice. Maybe I should make that my goal. Get in a couple of magazines and get an award or two, and then contact an agent.
It's terrible, but I feel like my art is some delicate flower that needs to be pampered to. If I'm constantly worried about the business, I can't create. So I need people around to take care of me in that way... My experiences with running things have showed me that it's true that some people are better in the spot light, and there are those who would much rather be in the background making sure everything's working properly.
But speaking of awards, I'd forgotten that I do have one under my belt. Not a fantastic award; 2nd place in one of the Pixel Joint challenges. I wonder if I can claim that? I mean, those challenges are really fantastically hard, and I really do deserve some recognition. On the other hand, the piece that won the award is kind of illegal. I totally copied a scene from the Labyrinth. Of course, that WAS the point of the contest, too. To pixel a scene from a movie. Sooo... I'll have to ask around about that one.
Oh, but with luck, I should have a new award coming my way soon. I entered another PJ contest last week, and I'm really proud of how that turned out. I'm lazy at the moment, so I'll post the picture later. It won't be until next Monday before I know if I won or not though.
Anyway, I am feeling better after spewing all of that. I tend to get like that. I need to get stuff off my chest before I can start looking at the bright side of things. See the silver lining, and so on. I think I'll follow my own advice and try to get some things into a magazine, then find an agent. Or maybe I'll brainstorm on other ways to go about this stuff. Either way, I know I need to do something with myself. If I don't, something really terrible's going to happen to me. Either I'll turn into someone I don't want to be, or I'll simply wither away.
My life is art. When I dream, my imagination flies, and when I wake, it tells its story on paper with pen. And when I look out a window, I see endless possibilities. But I have a long way to go still on my journey through the clouds of art and imagination. Won't you join me?
Comments
A little encouragement from God, He said this, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13
That is encouraging, and I know that part of my problem is that I don't, in my heart, truly want to be free of the negative feelings. I, like so many people today, am addicted to the drama that my sadness causes. Until I can get over that, I don't think I'll get any better.
But I am feeling a lot better since I wrote that post, so that at least is good
You know who also felt like you, Jabez. Jabez was a man in the bible who's name meant, one who causes pain. He was going nowhere and felt hopeless just like you, and then he cried out to God with this prayer,
And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that your hand would be with me and that you would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!" So God granted him what he requested. 1 Chronicles 4:10 God is good and will hear your sincere cry for help.
To make a long story short, I'm not sure going to a fancy pants art school and fronting a lot of dough is necessary. There might be some excellent and affordable options in your community.
Now for the long form commentary: I'm a little late to the party on this one, but I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine. We were talking about photography and I mentioned that two of the most useful classes I ever took were Design I and II in at a community college. I hated the classes and got a D in both. But, as I say, D's get degrees! Much to my surprise, 10 years later, what I learned in the classes (just because I didn't bother doing the assignments doesn't mean I didn't learn anything, I did attend) turned out to be amazingly useful. Without revealing too much, I'll give you a hint about the name of the aforementioned college - it starts with a J, ends with a C, and has C in the middle.